The date above will remain significant for long, until memory fades, if ever. I was 20 then. The footsteps of winter had begun to descend and it was the last year of college. Or nearly so! It turned out to be the day my life would be changed forever.
I stood in the college auditorium and there was a sudden flash of light- which was the turning point. I cannot delve into it further at this moment, but fast forward to the time a few days onward when it was diagnosed as manic depression. Until then the word ‘bipolar’ had not appeared.
As another 6th Nov dawns it will be 27 years of engaging with the experience- the flash, the ecstasy, the expansion, the dance of consciousness, the scattering, the search, the healing, the failures, the falls…and now the reading, writing, research, helping, counseling, recovery- my own, other people’s. The entry into a strange world of medication and not accepting the idea that it was a medical phenomenon and search-search-search.
The search made me …me
Not the chase, not the vilification
The search made me me- though it was not a search for me
It was a search for the truth for what I was made to be,
And I did not accept that it spoke for me,
While I had no explanation then, and I let it be
Their truth that represented me
But today …is a different day
I am me, and I know this was the way it had to be
From that maze where I was thrown by destiny
I had to exit one day, and then not to forget the cries of those left behind
For that is what it had to be – a hero’s journey,
To return to the maze, to awaken the hero within each who was left behind
Those heroes with their thousands of faces 🙂
Our conjoined destinies- whether anyone saw or knew/not.
So now me closing the loop of 27 years
Coming to terms with an entirety that had to be me,
The hero who saw all the heroes, before they saw themselves
Recovering Self 
I admire the clarity and honesty in your thoughts and writing . Today you are sorting out life of so many people with your patience and guidance. Hats off to you.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Honestly Nalini aunty, I am not sorting out anyone’s life. I am only lending an ear and helping them untangle the tangles…I think people have all the intelligence to sort out their lives if others don’t confound it for them. Thanks for your thoughts.
LikeLike
More strength to you Ma’am… Because reorganizing the world challenged by psychosis and then reimagining oneself as a hero takes a lot of patience and persistence… To see the heroes in others… Solidarity for that.
Arpita
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thanks Arpita. There is a great book by a man called Joseph Campbell- Hero with a thousand faces. it is a cult book for it shows how a life full of challenges follows a mythic template which is universally understood by people who look out for the symbolic in the visible or obvious. What is called psychosis is certainly NOT madness and I am firmly of that view. It is another matter that I have not been able to expend my energies into defining what it may be alternatively conceptualized as. I hope before I go down I can attend to this question as well- for that is really worth knowing for those who do not understand psychosis from an insider’s perspective.
To appreciate that others also go through similar adventures of consciousness only comes with a lot of inner ploughing and you know a lot about me in that domain as well. So you can well imagine some of the contours of it, at least to whatever extent I have managed to share with you.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Priti, you have a given a different, meaningful and new perspective of bipolar disorder. You have deconstructed the problem in simple, understandable and humane way. Many parents and relatives will find your advice very helpful and the agony of sufferers stand reduced . You are , through your efforts reaching out to a very large group.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Let’s see maasi, in this information age the importance of reaching out is utterly important and for that one needs diverse pathways of taking ideas forward. I with my limited means do not know what more can be done, as of now. The future will carve its own pathways I suppose and hope. Thank you for engaging with it maasi.
LikeLike
Beautifully written, your journey ,vto where you stand today. Proud to be your friend. Keep up your good work
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thanks Reema for reading and the further engagement. Yes you are among the few who have seen the long path for a long time. I think you have easily seen at least 17 years if not more! Wow, so that is as long back we go 🙂
LikeLike
Prateeksha, I am sure you know that ” Knowledge” and ” Understanding” are qualitatively entirely different. That ” Flash” in 1992 was only your ” Knowledge” of it, but this piece, is the understanding of it. Keep well. I remember that I have to give you my phone number.
LikeLike
Thank you for reading Vishu. That flash was entry into a new domain, unprepared and now it is a deeper understanding of the labyrinth. Leave the number only if you feel like talking to me, or else feel no pressure. I respect the fact that at various points in our lives we are going through various situations and many a time a person may not want to engage in needless chatter, socializing or any dialogue at all whatsoever. It is another matter that I am not exactly known for doing needless chatter anyways!
LikeLike
Beautifully expressed… Prateeksha….the journey of the knowledge that… ‘ it was not me’ How much faith is needed to hold on to yourself and emege to the surface and fly again… May your flight ever be for a deeper sight and healing of the nether depths .
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thank you Monica. Yes, you are right indeed in your wise insight- for the flight continues 🙂
LikeLike